The game's the thing.......apparently.

Offside......and so forth and such like.

A wonderous joy for the boy Bing, is that big names like Manchester United, Arsenal or Chelsea don’t really figure. A football team might just as well be Hounslow Hustlers, Tunbridge Trundlers or Lowtown Loafers.  Whether in the park or, on the magic ‘window’ in the corner of the room, there are times you will find the boy, tail wagging and thoroughly enjoying the game - for the kick and the chase is the thing!

All’s well then?

M’mm........

Trying to explain the ‘offside’ rule to a mystified newcomer can be quite a task….recently (why, oh why?) I attempted to have a go at explaining this rule, to a young lad whose notion of us is already pretty odd!

Having established, only the chaps guarding the netted areas at each end of the ‘grassy bit’ (Bings words not mine) are allowed to handle the ball, (which shockingly does not squeak!) and then only in the ‘areas’ marked out.  I then endeavoured to outline, just when a ‘kick and chaser’ (again the lads words) is deemed to have strayed into an area designated as ‘offside.’

Frankly, the boys eyes started to glaze over….rather like most folk, when I extol the joys of my scratchy old recordings!

‘Guv, this really is tosh and tiddly-pom, I can quite see why most folk are puzzled by it.’

‘Ah yes Bing, but...um, but...er.....’

I blundered on trying to make clear my poor explanation...but seeing the white flag of surrender starting to flutter up the pole, I spluttered on.....

‘You see when the ball is kicked by one of your team mates, you must NOT be beyond the last defending player on the opposing side.’

‘Why?’

‘Why…then....you would be deemed offside.’

‘Offside what?’

‘Well….you see…..um….’ my voice trailed away.

‘Strikes me old huff’n’puffer, you lot cant leave a good thing alone.  You have to complicate what should be a straightforward game of kick and chase.’

‘Yes….well…you see…’

‘Come on, are you telling me, it makes the fun any better?’

I fell into silence, once again the world I live in seemed such a complicated place, full of obscure rules, and puzzlement.

‘And’  said a voice as it padded slowly back to a waiting settee. ‘AND  guv, the ball doesn’t even squeak!’

I shall have those words rattling within the cavernous topography that is my brain this week, as once again, two teams of eleven plus crowds of supporters, argue over the ‘offside’ law - including both first and second phases!!
 
Sadly there won’t be a single ‘squeak’ to cheer any of us.

Ho-hum.