The Postman Only Rattles Once!

‘I see that chap with the trolley is trundling up the pavement over there.’

Bing having hopped up on a chair had spotted the postman.

‘He’s not a jolly gent is he guv? He never laughs at any of your little quips.’

‘Bing, there are few who do.’

‘Really? Well I guess he must be a grump, why, he doesn’t even smile when I grin affably and wag my tail!’

‘Perhaps; and I say this with a heavy heart old fruit; perhaps, he just doesn’t like us.’

‘Well I find that a bit tough. Okay, lets face it old huffer, you are rather an old poop! Perhaps he knows how much you grumble at things on the telly? Lets face it you can get quite gumpy at times yourself.’

‘Can I?’

‘Gracious yes, remember when I helped with the paper shredding the other day.’

‘Ah well you did start on a pile I hadn’t actually checked.’

‘Guv, you’d said more than once, it was time that pile went!’

‘Well….yes’

‘I just moved things along.’

‘M’mmm.’

‘AND, as fast as you seem to get rid of things, a new pile of paper appears, with goodness knows what on them.'

‘Oh I say, I just jot things down as I think of ‘em.’

‘You must have an amazing memory guv?’

‘It used to be very good, but now….m’mmm’

‘No guv, you must have a tremendous memory. Just think how often you write out a long shopping list, then leave it behind when you pop down the road!’

This was not helping! Shopping lists fall into the same category as, forgotten half drunk cups of coffee, or tea (never glasses of wine!) mislaid reading specs’ mobile phones about the house, house phones about the house! In short the list gets ever longer by the day - it’s the one list I can’t actually lose!

‘He’s coming up the path guv.’

‘Who?’

‘Old trolley geezer!’

We have a door bell, but grumpy just rattles the letterbox and gets even grumpier if you don’t hear him….even when you’re mowing the back lawn!

I arrived and opened the door before he could rattle a second time.

‘Morning…..’

Nothing.

‘My word, we seem to have a stack of mail today, probably all bills, eh?’

Nothing.

‘Looks like it could be quite a nice day……….’
 
The continuing silence engulfed us both, I ran out of things to say.

He stared at me, I glanced nervously at the mail, finally he said.

‘Do you like model railways?’

‘Um….HO or OO guage?’

Quite why I said this I've no idea! I haven’t thought of such things since I was a lad.

‘Either.’

‘Well……’

‘There’s an exhibition, coming up in a few weeks time at the Methodist ‘all…. ‘

‘Ah….’

I felt as if he wanted to say more. I was so confused by this sudden outburst, I was lost for words.

‘Yus.’

‘Right….well, I’ll look out for it.’

Why did I say that? I smiled and closed the door. Having, at last had a conversation with him, it didn’t seem quite the time to moan about the number of red elastic bands that litter our path!

‘Cor guv, he spoke.’

‘Asked me if I wanted to go to a model railway exhibition.’

‘Lummy!’

‘Lummy indeed Bing.’

‘Fan mail guv?’

‘Bills.’

'Lummy guv, does Bill know you've got 'em?'