A pause in my rummaging through a desk drawer, and I’m aware of a pair of eyes fixed upon me. They reside in a head that is slightly cocked and this in turn is framed by two long ‘ear flaps’ that give their owner the look of a Lord Chancellor of old, who is about to make a ‘learned’ pronouncement.
‘Ah Bing, have you been there long?’
‘Well guv, if you mean did I hear you mutter something about yet another box of mini staples that don’t seem to fit any of the mini staplers we have……AND, two boxes of treasury tags….who uses those any more?……..Then yes, I’ve been waiting as patiently as only I can.’
I try to give the lad a suitably dignified look, and having decided the mini staples have been at the back of that particular drawer for ever so long, I might as well pop ’em back, and hope the mini stapler made only for them, suddenly decides to turn up.
‘Well Bing, how can I help you this bright & sunny morn?’
Having made up his mind that he has my full attention, he moves into the centre of the study, and sitting very neatly before me, he clears his throat and continues.
‘Guv, as you well know, I’m not a complaining sort of chap.
In fact I would venture to state that, on the whole, by and large and so forth and such like, when it comes to the award for patience, this ‘ere chap before you is top of the class.’
‘I see.’
‘AND, let us face it old wrinkly chops, it would not be an over statement to perhaps mention in passing that, rarely in the old poops household has there ever been one so keen to maintain a happy atmosphere, both inside and out.’
The way the lad emphasizes out, I immediately have an inkling, of what’s coming next. I threw in an ‘I see.’ And waited………
‘Black and white squarker’s are one thing.’ (Magpies.) ‘Pinky, bluey and so forth squarkers are another.’ (Jay’s) ‘Red chests are on the whole, okididdlyoki.’ (Robin’s) ‘Black’uns.’(Blackbirds) ‘Are polite. ‘On the other hand them there brown and grey jobs’…..(Sparrows I feel sure) ‘Are very cheeky and deserve to be ignored.’
The lad pauses, and says.......
'AND, as for pigeons.......well I mean to say!'
‘I see.’ (I say yet again.)
But frankly, how that multicoloured wotsit has managed to plant himself where he has, is quite ridiculous.
I was about to say ‘I see’ again, but fortunately stayed quiet and merely nodded in a suitably concerned sort of way.
‘Well Bing…..’
‘I mean to say guv, who on earth would chose to bring such a blighter to the garden?’
‘Ah well….’
‘I cannot believe Alison would choose to give such a critter flowerbed space?’
‘On this occasion lad, I think you’ll find….’
‘Who else then? This is the question.’
The lad pauses, rather like a prosecution council, (I’m thinking Charles Laughton) and looks around the study as if seeking the guilty party.
‘Bing, I feel I should point out that…..’
‘Oh guv, how could you?’
‘Me?’
‘Yes you sir.’
Should I turn Queens evidence and ‘grass up’ Alison, for indeed it was she who on impulse decided to buy this….this…….
‘I rest my case, and can only put this terrible deed down to the addled state of the old gaffers mind.’
‘Well, well I have to say…..’
But it’s hopeless folks, the lad has given me a very sad look and swept from the room.
Come on Taylor, you have broad shoulders. Why drop Alison right in it, when the lad has passed judgement? I stroll downcast to the Kitchen, and receive a subtle ‘cough, cough.’ As I pass the snack tin.
It’s a small price to pay. However, I find the whole judgement thing very hard, when I notice the lad a little later,
sitting in front of the ‘offender.’ The back of Bings head is turning in circles as he attempts to keep up with......... ‘it.’
Oh well.
‘Are you going to be much longer with that hoovering guv?’
I’m mowing the back lawn, and it appears the lad would rather like to come out and make the most of the warm day!
‘I mean to say old poop, you've been doing that for ever such a long time and that’s a fact.’
‘Bing you really do exaggerate. This is not a very big lawn and frankly I’m going as fast as I can.’
The lad does not like to share the garden with the ‘hoover’ and so is sitting at the back door step, looking out on my efforts.
I empty the grass box, and put the mower away.
‘M’mmm ‘bout time. It’s far too nice a day for keeping a chap cooped up.’
‘Bing you really must not….’
‘Exaggerate?’
‘Quite.’
I receive a stare, and decide that as there’s no Polly about, I should put the kettle on.
Time passes, in so much as a certain person has received the requisite number of snack’s and continued his patrolling, or beating of our bounds.
I’m now seated outside and finishing a coffee as the lad trundles across the garden inspecting every item that may possibly have a scent.
‘It’s definitely warmer today Bing.’
‘Is it?’
‘Oh yes there’s definitely a change in the air.’
‘You’re right about that old poop, my hooter’s definitely picking up a change of air.’
I lick my finger and hold it up.
‘Yes it’s blowing from the West today.’
The lad looks at me, and I can see he’s thinking very hard, and I’m already beginning to regret whatever it is I’ve said or done that has got him thinking!
‘Are you sure guv?’
‘Um….er sure of….er what?’
‘That it’s coming from the west and such.’
‘Oh yes quite definitely.’
‘M’mmm.’
He locates a sunlit spot close o me…..
Wait for it, wait for it, here it comes……….
‘You see the thing is, it is what I would call a head wind sort of day.’
‘Really?’
‘Certainly guv, certain-tilly and such like.’
(Oh well here goes.)
‘And why would that be young lad?’
I am frowned at. I can see he doubts whether I’m capable of dealing with the technicalities about to be divulged. He is however, a generous sort of chap and decides I might just be able to grasp the detail.
‘When a chap is on the trundle, and he notices the wind to be a tad brisk and cold around the rear end, then it is a tail wind.’
‘I see……’
‘On the other hand if he notices a balmy sort of whispy type zephyr tickling his ‘chops’….well then guv it’s a head wind.’
He waits patiently, as I run this scientific explanation through the cavern like interior of an old poops addled bonce.
‘Um….may I ask a…..’
‘Question?’
‘If you please Bing.’
‘Yes of course oh aged wrinkly.’
I really must get him to stop coming out with such descriptions. I mean to say I can cope, but sometimes he can cause a sudden frosty atmosphere if he addresses guests in such a manner.
‘Well Bing, what if you are on a stroll, and a cold prevailing wind should percolate in and around your whiskers?’
The look of pity that flits across his noble brow is enough to make me desire the safety of the dunces’ corner.
‘Guv, all winds will at sometime be frontal, depending on the trail one is strolling and of course the topographical delineation of the surrounds.’
‘Yes….but surely…’
‘AND, oh chump and companion, all winds will at sometime or other, be from the back, depending on the trail one is strolling and?……………..’
‘The topographical delineation of the surrounds!’ I blurt out.
‘Correct ol’ wheezer.’
I’m thinking….lummy.
I say (idiot that I am.)
‘Yes but how do you know from which direction it is coming from?’
‘Because you noodle, if it’s cold on your rear end it’s a tail wind!’
‘Yes but how can one obtain an accurate compass point?’
‘Listen, the compass point is something you lot seem to have come up with….cor, the number of times I’ve seen you lick yer finger and hold it up, then peer about and say…ah Bing me boy it’s a north’ish western east southerly…..I think. Or some such exclamation.’
‘Bing even I can’t be that inaccurate!’
‘Well if you say so….oh and I don’t mind if I do.’
‘Mind if if you do what?’
‘Have another snack old poop.’
Folks it’s a small price to pay. The lad already (like many others) views me as chump number one. Anything to get his mind on something else.
‘Right-ho Bing.’
As I re enter the kitchen I hear a voice.
‘Marvellous, he managed that without the need of directions or a single wetting of his finger.’
Life can be hard for some, and I’m one of the 'some'
…..hey-ho.
For those of you who’ve wandered these pages, strolls……
‘And so forth guv?’
‘Quite……..Bing.’
‘And such like?’
‘Yes…..now where was I?’
The lad has already wandered off to enquire within and without…..
For those of you who’ve wandered these pages, strolls and ‘moment’s’ over the last few years, I’m sure by now you may have decided that, the Boy Bing is the catalyst by which our time spent together has served to re-sharpen this particular old noodle’s ability to ‘keep up!’
On the whole, taken by and large and up and down and all other directions…..
‘You still tripe-writing guv?’
‘Um….well actually as it happens….’
‘May I ask if, you’re the geezer that has whipped me new squeaky ball?’
‘Bing!’
‘Look old wheezy-bonce, you’re just the sort of vague trundling old poop, who forgets where he was when he last had a chaps flavourite Squeaker!’
‘Bing I am not forgetful?’
‘Found your other glasses yet?’
‘Which one’s’
‘Ah, so there’s more than one pair missing eh?’
‘No, not really….just……..momentarily…out of position.’
‘And yer mobile, Kindle, Mug of coffee going cold somewhere………need I go on?’
‘Well, I…I…..’
But he is gone. New scent’s have been received by the wondrous hooter, and their call, leads him away.
As I was saying, our relationship could appear to be a tad odd to some. (I’m sure not you.) I like to think that I’ve generally managed the partial education of the Boy Bing quite well, given that being a hound he has a slightly different view of things…..
‘You’ll be pleased to hear old bloater, that I’ve relocated the whereabouts of me yellow orb, and have discovered you left it in the raised flowerbed.’
‘Me?’
‘Yep-p-p-p-p!’
‘I left it in the raised flowerbed?’
‘He’s quick you know.’
‘Why would I do that Bing?’
‘Mine is not to reason why old wrinkle chin, mine is but to dig and dive.’
‘Bing I find it hard to believe I would take your pill outside and pop it in the raised flowerbed?’
‘I know, it’s odd isn’t it guv? You really do some rummy things.’
‘But, but, but…….’
But he’s gone again, padding off down the hall with his ‘pal.’
Despite these moments, we ‘rub’ along mighty well, although I believe I really must take him in hand and try and introduce a modicum of responsibility into his day to day routine.
Where he gets this peculiar behaviour from I have no idea.....
