Directions....and their origins. (And such....I think.)

‘Are you going to be much longer with that hoovering guv?’

I’m mowing the back lawn, and it appears the lad would rather like to come out and make the most of the warm day!

‘I mean to say old poop, you've been doing that for ever such a long time and that’s a fact.’

‘Bing you really do exaggerate.  This is not a very big lawn and frankly I’m going as fast as I can.’

The lad does not like to share the garden with the ‘hoover’ and so is sitting at the back door step, looking out on my efforts.

I empty the grass box, and put the mower away.




‘M’mmm ‘bout time. It’s far too nice a day for keeping a chap cooped up.’

‘Bing you really must not….’

‘Exaggerate?’

‘Quite.’

I receive a stare, and decide that as there’s no Polly about, I should put the kettle on.

Time passes, in so much as a certain person has received the requisite number of snack’s and continued his patrolling, or beating of our bounds.

I’m now seated outside and finishing a coffee as the lad trundles across the garden inspecting every item that may possibly have a scent.

‘It’s definitely warmer today Bing.’

‘Is it?’

‘Oh yes there’s definitely a change in the air.’

‘You’re right about that old poop, my hooter’s definitely picking up a change of air.’

I lick my finger and hold it up.

‘Yes it’s blowing from the West today.’



The lad looks at me, and I can see he’s thinking very hard, and I’m already beginning to regret whatever it is I’ve said or done that has got him thinking!

‘Are you sure guv?’

‘Um….er sure of….er what?’

‘That it’s coming from the west and such.’

‘Oh yes quite definitely.’

‘M’mmm.’

He locates a sunlit spot close o me…..

Wait for it, wait for it, here it comes……….

‘You see the thing is, it is what I would call a head wind sort of day.’

‘Really?’

‘Certainly guv, certain-tilly and such like.’

(Oh well here goes.)

‘And why would that be young lad?’

I am frowned at. I can see he doubts whether I’m capable of dealing with the technicalities about to be divulged.  He is however, a generous sort of chap and decides I might just be able to grasp the detail.

‘When a chap is on the trundle, and he notices the wind to be a tad brisk and cold around the rear end, then it is a tail wind.’

‘I see……’

‘On the other hand if he notices a balmy sort of whispy type zephyr tickling his ‘chops’….well then guv it’s a head wind.’

He waits patiently, as I run this scientific explanation through the cavern like interior of an old poops addled bonce.

‘Um….may I ask a…..’

‘Question?’

‘If you please Bing.’

‘Yes of course oh aged wrinkly.’

I really must get him to stop coming out with such descriptions. I mean to say I can cope, but sometimes he can cause a sudden frosty atmosphere if he addresses guests in such a manner.

‘Well Bing, what if you are on a stroll, and a cold prevailing wind should percolate in and around your whiskers?’

The look of pity that flits across his noble brow is enough to make me desire the safety of the dunces’ corner.

‘Guv, all winds will at sometime be frontal, depending on the trail one is strolling and of course the topographical delineation of the surrounds.’

‘Yes….but surely…’

‘AND, oh chump and companion, all winds will at sometime or other, be from the back, depending on the trail one is strolling and?……………..’ 

‘The topographical delineation of the surrounds!’ I blurt out.

‘Correct ol’ wheezer.’

I’m thinking….lummy.

I say (idiot that I am.)

‘Yes but how do you know from which direction it is coming from?’

‘Because you noodle, if it’s cold on your rear end it’s a tail wind!’

‘Yes but how can one obtain an accurate compass point?’

‘Listen, the compass point is something you lot seem to have come up with….cor, the number of times I’ve seen you lick yer finger and hold it up, then peer about and say…ah Bing me boy it’s a north’ish western east southerly…..I think. Or some such exclamation.’

‘Bing even I can’t be that inaccurate!’

‘Well if you say so….oh and I don’t mind if I do.’

‘Mind if if you do what?’

‘Have another snack old poop.’

Folks it’s a small price to pay.  The lad already (like many others) views me as chump number one. Anything to get his mind on something else.

‘Right-ho Bing.’



As I re enter the kitchen I hear a voice.

‘Marvellous, he managed that without the need of directions or a single wetting of his finger.’

Life can be hard for some, and I’m one of the 'some'


…..hey-ho.